What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now

Tuesday, June 16

Sometimes

Sometimes i just wanted a guy bestfriend who wouldn't complicate things.

Sometimes i just wanted to pack up and leave.

Sometimes i get scared that you'll leave.

Sometimes i think im too emotional.

Sometimes i just wanted to say sorry and beg for forgiveness.

Sometimes i just wanted to do it all over again.

Sometimes i think im too nice.

Sometimes i honestly believe no one will ever understand me.

Sometimes i smile when i remember.

Sometimes i wish you would talk to me.

Sometimes i wonder if you still think about me.

Sometimes i wish i knew what i wanted to be in life.

Sometimes I think my parents love my brother more.

Sometimes i feel i may be too mature.

Sometimes i feel i may be too naive.

Sometimes i just want to scream and cry to my hearts content.

Sometimes i just want to appear cool and unaffected.

Sometimes i smile but cry on the inside.

Sometimes i wish i wasnt so stupid.

Sometimes i think really stupid thoughts.

Sometimes i wish you became my bestfriend.

Sometimes i wonder who really cares.

Sometimes i feel beautiful.

Sometimes i get really lonely.

Sometimes you piss me off.

Sometimes you make me laugh.

Sometimes i get worried about my future.

Sometimes i don't know what i want.

Sometimes i think i need a life.

Sometimes i hate myself.

Sometimes i think i read too much manga.

Sometimes i cant be what you want me to be.

Sometimes i think i think too much.

Sometimes i lie.

Sometimes i make faces in the mirror.

Sometimes i think im a pervert.

Sometimes i want to be someone else.

Sometimes i think i either try to hard or not hard enough.

Sometimes i feel like its too easy to regret.

Sometimes i think i become more passive aggressive each day.

Sometimes i just get tired of it.

Sometimes i just need a hug.

Sometimes i love my friends so much.

Sometimes i really miss you.

Sometimes i really want to believe im that person you think i am.

Sometimes if i just smile i think i can be strong enough.

Sometimes....

Tuesday, June 9

What it means to forgive

Everytime i pray for forgiveness, i am forgiven.

Sometime ago i had decided that if God could forgive me and all of man kind for our daily sins and trespasses that who was i to deny someone else that grace? God, who is perfect in every way, forgives a dirty sinner as myself who unfailingly continues to sin each and everyday.

I didn't like to forgive other people. I hate hypocrites. But i thought "doesn't that make me a hypocrite?" I ask God for forgiveness when i've done wrong yet i choose not to forgive others when they've done me wrong.

So yes, i forgive. Too easily sometimes. But i do.
It is by choice i forgive, not by obligation or because im to "nice".

But i dont believe forgiving someone is the same as forgetting what that someone did. When i forgive you it means i no longer hold you accountable for your actions in the sense that there is no punishment. It no longer stays an issue and we both move on. But im not stupid. I remember what you did to cause the need to be forgiven.

Let no one tell you its easy to forgive someone, especially if it hurt you deeply. It takes a lot to forgive someone. It keeps me humble.

"Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement. "-- Horace Bushnell

Thursday, June 4

RaNT RaaNT RaNNnt

So far i've been working about 4 days a week for 9 hours a piece. So whats the big deal with working 3 or 4 hours more? Nothing really... in all honestly 12 hours is do-able...well.. during a slow day like today. But circumstances make all the difference. And i hated working these 12 hours today. "why? you got so many hours! $$$" NOPE. I HATED IT. Why? Well cause this is how it went down:

My manager and supervisor wanted to attend a funeral this morning.
Both of them were scheduled to work the morning shift and I the evening.
My manager asks me to take the morning shift at 9am b/c they wont be there.
So i do them a favor and say yes so they can go to the funeral.
They tell me they will be back in the evening to take over the shift for a few hours. Then she wanted me to do my evening shift still.
Alright. Sounds good.
Wait... wait.. wait wait wait. Both morning and evening shifts!?
"No amina it will be fine, we will come back"

SO i come to work 9 am in the morning. Everyone is surprised to see me. I told them i switched shifts. But then the receptionist tells me that they don't plan to come back because they looked up restaurants and sights to see before they left. What?....
"Oh they better come back! i cant do 12 hours! by myself too! i didn't sign up for that!"

5:30pm rolls around...its the end of the morning shift. Still no one showed up. No phone call either... HMMM. All of my co workers tell me to leave. Why?
-im part time.. i cant exceed my hours even if i wanted to (aka i would get in BIG trouble with Big Boss who already mentioned that i have too many hours)
-they took advantage of my kindness in doing them a favor and left me dry
-they didn't call to say they weren't coming
-they weren't bzy... just out having fun

So i call my manager
ME:"Hey i was wondering about the evening shift b/c ive already done the morning"
Manager: "Oh no its fine, just take a break then go back"
ME: "wait what? you want me to do the evening shift too? thats 12 hours, im not allowed too"
Manager: "no its fine do it, anyway we are heading back now"
Me: "alright, i will talk to you then"

And so i expect them to come back

Feeling emotionally forced, i take my break and conclude that i will be there for another 6 hours... Luckily another manager sympathized with me and told me i could leave but that if i chose to stay he would authorize my overtime.

While on break i find out My manager dropped off my supervisor and left. My supervisor walks in says "Oh its too hot to work" then clocks out and leaves. WAIT... CLOCKS OUT AND LEAVES!?... clocks out...?... i check her time card and indeed... she was clocked in from 9am till 5:30pm. But how? she didn't work..... EXACTLY. SHE DIDNT. So im pissed. How can a person have so much nerve to do that while leaving me stranded here actually working hard by myself. At least have the decency to not clock in WTF! She didn't ask about me or if i needed help. She didn't relieve me from my extra shift b/c "it was too hot to work" and she didn't feel like it...Oh did i mention BOTH of them were scheduled to work that day already??

The hours didn't matter as long as i don't get in trouble. And i wont. Money was never an issue. Its not that important. What made me so upset with working both shifts was the lack of consideration to me as a person. Not me as Amina but me as a PERSON. You don't take advantage of a persons kindness (aka taking your shift for you so u can go to someones funeral who you don't even know and then to hang out) and completely abuse that. They didn't even call to tell me they weren't coming in. Or ask how i was holding up. NOTHING.

So i just grit my teeth and did my shift. By time 7 rolled around i answered no calls.. didn't put away any materials... didn't look out for customers... left a mess. They got it. They can clean tht shit up tomorrow for all i care.

I stayed because im the type of person who will stay if someone needs me to stay. No i don't mean my manager and supervisor. I mean the staff at my workplace who needed me to cover 3 departments. I stayed for them.

But its fine, now i know for next time.