This semester hasnt been the greatest of semesters for me. Each day I find myself finding more and more things to complain about. I feel like I have no time to do anything, no motivation in school, no drive for anything in life. My future outlooks have been so bleak and my personal health both mentally and physically has been so pathetic. I find myself being moody most of the time and becoming irrationally angry, annoyed or upset at simple things. I wallow too much in my own self pity and quietly envy the happiness of other people. I feel lonely a lot more than necessary and contemplate memories that im never going to re-live.
Just recently, I was having another weak moment when my best friend got online to talk with me because she knew I needed someone to talk to. And while I was telling her about a number of things that were plaguing my mind she tells me of her own issues. Then she says something that strikes me "it's probably because im depressed".
Such a simple statement yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE IM DEPRESSED. The suddenly all my problems seemed to make sense. And I replied "holy shit, I think im depressed". Why else would I feel so sad and lonely each day. Why else would I feel so unmotivated in school when I am usually the big nerd on campus. Sure, lots of students are feeling the pressure/senioritis this semester but I know my troubles come from something much more deeper then merely struggling with procrastination in studies. Why else would I feel like I have no bright future to look towards. Why else would I feel like im never going to do things right. Why I feel like im always going to be alone. Why I feel like im not living up to anyones expectations. Why I feel like im never going to gain the self confidence I need. Why so many things in my life have turned so grey.
I have never been depressed before so im not sure how to handle myself. Then I became more depressed because I am now aware of the fact that I am depressed. Ah life. You never fail to amuse me.
So as my friend and I continue to talk about how we continue to struggle with our unbalanced lives, she says something else that hits another cord. She said what we really need was to "improve our relationship with God" and wow .. it was another ton of bricks haha. I can sit here and complain about all the things in my life that need to be fixed or about all the types of people I need in my life. But at the end of the day what I really need is God and God alone. With Him I know I can regain all the peace that i've robbed myself of. Im not in the best place with God right now and as I continue to walk away from Him I feel my life becoming darker and darker. He gives me the peace , happiness and motivation in life I could never get from somewhere else. Ive polluted my life with all these worldly ideals and materials trying to seek that satisfaction and ended up no where. I need to come back. I need to be healthy again - both physically and mentally. I find I keep too much to myself sometimes - which is what gets me thinking too much to myself - alone - all the time. I need to learn to trust and depend on my best friends more. They are my best friends for a reason and I need to understand that it is okay to depend on them. To have them listen to me. Im always ready to be there for other people but I dont know how to let other people be there for me. I will work on that. My friend and I have promised to support, depend on, encourage and walk together on this path.
(Isaiah 40:31 DRC) 31 But they that hope in the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall take wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
The Lord has NEVER forsaken me and I know now the continuously numerous times I fall Hes always there watching me and guiding me but most importantly never leaving my side. I pray each night "Lord please do not give up on me". Yet what have I done to repay His undying love and loyalty? I know what I should do but I continue to make excuses. Bad habits. Bad decisions. Impure thoughts and an ever absent mind. Time is running out and when the final judgment comes - where will I be? At this rate I know where i'll be - and sadly it is NOT the side I wanna be on. So again, I need to fix that. So i'll start by finally opening that door Hes been knocking on and taking a step forward.
(Revelation of John 3:20) 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, then I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.
Thank you Lord for never giving up on me, and sorry for taking the long way around. Thank you for the beautiful, supporting, and loving friends you have so graciously blessed me with in my life. For comforting me with the love of these people I call my best friends and family. To physically know I am never alone because I see and witness your love for me through their hearts. So each day - good or bad - whether I succeed or fail - whether in laughter or tears - in pain or sorrow - in frustration or peace - lost or in love - I will continue to pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.
(John 8:12) 12 Again, therefore, Jesus spoke to them, saying, "“I am the light of the world. He who follows me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.”"
