I've always liked blogging and being able to express myself through pictures, posts and media. But most of my inspiration for blogging comes as an outlet for my emotions. A way to vent out my frustrations and opinions. But the problem is that blogs are meant to be shared. And with sharing comes the sharing of information to other people. And with other people comes other opinions and sensitive feelings. And with feelings and personal opinions comes conflict and drama.
I love to write, speak and debate about controversial topics or just my own drama. I could write for hours on a particular topic im passionate about or on feelings im tossing and turning with. I like to say whats on my mind. I like to say just exactly how I feel. I like to express my own personal, irrational, biased and completely selfish opinions, wants, desires, hopes and dreams. But what I have on my blog does not express any of them. I have tons of blogs saved - not yet or ever to be posted. Why?
I feel held back by the need to edit myself. Whenever I do end up posting a reflective post, I edit out about 90% of what I feel. I end up deleting several words, sentences, and paragraphs before posting. Even still I know some people get offended or think toooo much over what I said to the point that they hurt themselves.
"Why? You shouldnt care about what other people think. Just be yourself. Say what you want to say. Its your blog"
In an ideal world - where people really truly can respect everything you have to say as your own opinions - then sure Id love to do that. But people do have feelings and whether or not I write something intentionally or not they may take my words to heart and become hurt because of it. I don't mean to offend anyone or put anyone on the spot when I express myself but its going to happen or someone is going to find a reason to read into something more than they should. I don't need that drama. Most of my reflective blogs are really just meant to be reflected upon in general terms - not necessarily directed at anyone.
Humans are innately selfish and a little self centered. Its so easy to see or read what you want in order to somehow bring importance to yourself. And so something so simple as "I love my friends for coming out tonight" could be seen by someone else as 'oh I didnt go so shes probably mad at me' or they unconsciously feel bad or offended. Sounds silly but thats a basic example of what really does happen. People just arent honest enough with themselves to admit it.
My blog is already, for the most part, on the down low. I don't promote it. I don't link it through facebook, twitter, my old blogs etc. I like for only a select few to have access to it - People who I know actually give a damn about me and wont just browse through to be nosy and gossip.
So for those of you who wonder why I don't touch on particular issues a lot - its because its actually very tiring and exhausting to edit myself and so all motivation to write goes away. And to be honest sometimes I DO want to write about the people who read this blog - but again, I cant. Not because im scared but because I care enough about them to not want to put them on the spot or to put their troubles out there.
But even though ill surely edit myself, I think I will work on writing more still.
