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| The Office - Michael Scott - The World's Best Boss |
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“My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter ... where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or ... or where you've been ... ever. For any reason, whatsoever.”
Andy: So, help us out?
Michael: Wish I could, but i can't. Well, can, but won't. Should maybe, but, shorn't.
Kevin: Michael please!?
Michael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?
"Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three"
"how do I feel about losing the sale? it's like if michael phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, bellyflopped and drowned"
"Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company"
"What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex... and then again for seven years."
"If I had a gun with two bullets and Toby was in a room with Hitler and Osama bin Laden, I would shoot Toby twice!"
"Toby is in Human Resources, which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. He's also divorced so he's not a part of his family either"
"I knew exactly what to do but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do."
"I am still the same old Michael Scott - new and improved"
"Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said "The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle."
"'Hug it out, bitch.' That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I've found. Doesn't translate."
"In nature, there is something called a food chain. It's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark."
"You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend"
"It's not about the money. Management is also about the perks. For example, I get a $100 gas card every year. You can't put a price tag on that."
"Stanley! Stanley! You will not die. Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are Black, Stanley!"
"Did you know that gay used to mean 'happy?' When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now, it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens."
"I thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie."
"Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology"
"Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. Its over. Its done. But, my punishment is...umm, worse than..Hell."
"An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? [pause] I really can't say, but yes."
"Guess what, I have flaw. What are they? Oh I dont know, I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit someone with my car. So sue me. No, dont sue me..thats opposite of the point that Im trying to make."
