its quality not quantity that matters most - lucky me I got both

Back in highschool the mentality was that the more friends you had, the more people you knew, the more parties you went to equaled how ‘cool’ and ‘popular’ you were. After three years of college you learn that not all of these ‘friends’ stick around and even if they do its just to hit you up for parties and drinks. But what happens when you need them the most? What happens when you need someone to talk to – to really talk to? What happens when you just need someone to spend time with? What happens when your done with the whole party scene? What happens when you need someone to help you? Will those same friends stand by you?

I am proud to say that I have never had to second guess myself when it comes to knowing who will be by my side when I need them. God has richly blessed my life with the kind of friends who support me even during my darkest times and celebrate with me during my brightest.

So when I hear about all those ‘cool, popular kids’ (even in college) who, in a rare vulnerable state – consciously or unconsciously – express how at the end of the day they really have no one, I find it really sad. I don’t pity them – oh no. It’s just the mere fact that a person feels that they have no one to depend on saddens me. A billion facebook friends won’t make a difference if not even one will stand by you. Those friends don’t make a difference if they don’t even see you for who you REALLY are – not just a label.

I don’t roll with a huge entourage but the ones I do have never ever once let me feel that I need anyone else. I have 4 of the greatest best friends in the world and quite a few good friends I can always rely on. Leaving the easy forced life together in highschool and entering the busy – on your own grind – college life has really opened my eyes to those who are going to be real friends. Real friends make an effort to KIT even after they write HAGS on your yearbook. Real friends make an effort to call even when they haven’t seen you in months or are across country. Real friends make an effort to chill even when they come back home for only short breaks. Real friends don’t only KIT on Facebook or twitter. Real friends make it a point to know your every dimension not just one side of you. And most importantly real friends listen when you need them too.

And since real friends seem to be an endangered species lately - I want to show appreciation to the ones I’ve got. And you should too. Its so easy to take for granted the many blessing we do have and forget that not everyone is so richly blessed. And having real friends is no simple matter – your friends help make, build, and define you.

of the sentimental mind

It never ceases to amaze me how, whenever i decide to finally clear some old stuff out of the computer...out of the closet..out of the old boxes...I always manage to find something fun... amusing... thought provoking... inspiring... something.... cherishable. While i cant possible share everything that i've found i thought to share this. It's an old letter i had written to someone a long time ago.

While everything is said and done. I still enjoy reading this letter which i wrote with so much emotion that no one could possibly really understand but me. So much bitterness so much pain... yet at the same time theres so much laughter and happiness that i cant help but chuckle and give a small smile everytime i read it. And its not even so much who it was addressed to but everything else behind it. The letter as a whole.

Dramatic? Maybe... but thats just me

This letter inspires me a lot. And i hope... that all those others going through difficult times right now can gain even a lil from this. That yes, its okay to be hurt... its okay to cry...but in the end thats life... we have to move on. But not everything has to end filled with regret. Cherish and remember all those good times. Nothing is ever a total waste. We gain something in all we do in life. We grow.

What's past is past. I cant change what happened nor would i ever want to. I believe things happen to each and everyone of us for a reason, whether we see that at the time or not. I dont regret what happened... the memories i have will always be with me.

"Dont ever regret something that once made you smile"

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Farewell to yesterday

"Three strikes and your out" – I guess that saying kinda goes with our situation huh? Three tries over the course of 4 years… Each time trying a little harder, making a little more effort and understanding a little better… but I guess it wasn't enough because for some reason we're just not meant to "work". I guess when the end comes u start thinking about the beginning…

Ninth grade was fun. SO much drama that we could have definitely wrote a story about it and it would have sold in millions. Our first meeting was cute. Me being all shy because u were a stranger and you being all awkward because u were confused. Slowly over time we became acquaintances that lead to good friends. I still remember the day u have me that necklace on my birthday, sitting with my brother and hiding from my mom – haha u were upset and thought I didn't like it but I treasured it. The first day u saw me wearing the necklace… I swore your face lit up like a little boy on Christmas Eve and I couldn't help but grin at how easy u were to pacify. Oh yeah, and remember the day u refused to speak to me because I never called bk one day and how u pouted all day in the cafeteria? And how I use to sit on the steps because I couldn't come downstairs but I refused to leave. But then the good times faded with the trials of GROWING UP- we both said and did things we regret till this day. I was the first to make the mistake… I gave into peer pressure... trying to follow and be someone I wasn't and could never be. I made that one rash decision that changed the course of our friendship. But we learned and grew from those mistakes and became that better person we are today. I hurt you and u broke my heart in return… its okay… we move on… after her u left, wanting nothing more to do with any of us in the group. I wanted nothing to do with the group either… so farewell…

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Tenth grade was memorable. After we both matured and got over the past we gradually started speaking again. Our bond quickly started growing and once again we became the closest of friends. Our understanding and willingness to forgive was what gave way to our friendship. We experienced so many things together… going to parties, dances, movies, etc. together and wanting to chill so much that we even invited family to come with us. LOL do u remember how we met up at that concert and coincidentally sat right NEXT to each other!? How crazy was that!? I had even begun a whole crazy hat "THING" with you. Getting jealous over ANYONE who tried to steal my "thing". We enjoyed teasing and making fun of one another knowing for a fact that neither of us took it to heart. ///" are u mad?"/// -_______________- a true classic of yours. We became almost inseparable… everyone, even those who knew us the best, believed us to be going out- and we basically were…I remember your Christmas gift to me. It took me a good hour before I actually opened the box up that contained the infamous ring I asked for. LOL u pouted for weeks on how u didn't think I liked the ring and there was nothing I could do to convince u otherwise. From that day on I cherished that ring and wore it everyday. Watching Hindi movies in order to see if the other would cry again… our stupid lil pet names… fixing your hair… stupid xanga fun superslut nd uberhoe lol we were so stupidly cute. But once again good times came to end. You found another her… the HER for real this time. I was slowly yet quickly pushed out of your life. Bitter and hurt I came to u and u made promises but never came through. U tried… I know u did… but it just wasn't enough. You had a choice and u chose… thus we were left behind… I as well wanted nothing to do with u because I was hurt and didn't understand….so farewell again….

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Twelfth grade is unforgettable. A year apart did us good. Even during all our time apart not even speaking once… in a matter of a day or two we started speaking and acting as if we never parted. Our chemistry truly amazes me. No we may no longer hold romantic feelings towards each other like years ago but no one can deny our strong and unique chemistry. We connect. We trust. We understand. We listen. We care. Our first night out together we ending up driving around for FIVE hours doing nothing but talking non stop. As u said... there wasn't more then 10 seconds of silence till one of us started talking again. The second time around was so stressful we ended up making a fool out of ourselves… especially me… haha I remember how u couldn't even listen to a word I said because u were so nervous, even if I was telling u how I couldn't breathe and that I was going to pass out u just went "uhh yeah- huh!?" And then how I couldn't stop laughing because of all my nerves that I ended up squirting soda out my nose. Then wen we spent some time out side in the car with your sunroof open to gaze at the stars and chill- just talking about how crazy the night was. TXT'in each other the whole day about stupid and random things… talking on the phone for hours… chatting on AIM 24/7 and forever laughing in each others presence…so much that our stomachs ached from laughing. So once again we became nearly inseparable and close. You became closer to me in those two weeks then some friends have in a few years. We trusted each other with everything- telling each other things we'd never tell n e one else… so comfortable in one anothers presence that we'd joke and talk about things we normally wouldn't have. We risked a lot to chill but did so because it was worth it. I was here when u needed someone to be… and listened when u needed some to listen… in return u helped me help my friend and even offered to go out of your way for my friend. But as it painfully seems…once again….all good things must come to an end… a horrible day gone wrong… short time cut shorter…. Friendships broken…. Trust torn… feelings hurt….hearts broken….misunderstandings left misunderstood…

Why does it seem that everytime we come close again something tears us apart? Why cant two best friends just be best friends with out ppl assuming and making judgements. Someone close to us on both sides kept trying to pull us apart… why? Because they ASSUMED we were something we weren't. One just doesn't understand… he's never experienced the kind of friendship we had… but then again most ppl never will. The other was just filled with pure jealousy and hate, never really getting to know me for me and taking u away because of that. We both tried our best but sometimes some things just don't work out. But after all has been said and done… I could never hate u… I've told u this and you've told me the same. I can't imagine what u must be going through right now but u know I tried with everything to be there for u wen u needed me to be there… I was willing to risk everything to keep our friendship but in the end that's something that needs effort from both sides. Ur leaving soon… so I took into consideration and understanding that you'd rather just leave everything behind and create a new life. Honestly… I thought… wished with everything… that you'd tell me u were willing to keep our friendship no matter what as well…. But apparently we cant have everything and we need to grow up and accept the things we cannot change…. and still I hold no anger towards you… I guess in the end he did kill us huh? LoL where am I gonna find a "HAWT" date now huh?

yes I was hurt… yes I was bitter… yea I'm a lil confused… but I hold strong to what I said to u that night with the msgs I left u. So I respect your wishes… since u choose not to reply. Please don't think of this as a way to get bk at you because its not… its something…my way of letting go… moving on… and at the same time… something im hoping u will see as an understanding from me. I know im being very vague with whatt I have to say but your smart enough to read in between the lines. I asked for a goodbye… but then I realized I couldn't do that… not in any form that u may have thought of n e way… so this will be my way of saying it. I tried to talk to u before… I waited everyday for u to say something… u never came. Yes I asked to at least say goodbye because I felt as though I deserved that much at least… and I still feel that way but then I realized that I couldn't. For u to not talk to me then come to me a day b4 u leave would be cruel, so I choose this method instead. Really I can manage... I understand… to be blunt u left me twice before… I think the third times a charm… each time before I was left with bitterness and regret but this time I did all I could… and tried my best. Ill always cherish EVERYTHING we've been through in all these years u don't know how much you've really supported me in my life. I love you as a bestfriend and I mean that with all my heart. I sincerely wish for the best for u and your family but most of all I wish u happiness.

And I hope you crash and burn

I never much cared for you from the very beggining
You made her happy
You made her smile
Thats all that mattered

"okay... he's a nice guy... he really does care for her"

HAH. your good. I should applaud you.
congrats. you sure fooled me.

How do you sleep at night? Have u no conscience?
You disgust me. Your manipulative and shallow
Your so damn selfish and you have no idea

I knew it. Yet i thought you were different
How so very wrong you proved me....

You said you loved her. You made her promises
You forced her to open her heart and let down her barriers
So you could what? Stomp all over it
Not even. You didnt even look at her.
You took all of it and THREW IT BACK IN HER FACE
you selfish selfish person
What gives u the right to do what you did....what your doing
You claim the victim.
You show no remorse
Your a damn child...Spoiled and Naive
You have no idea what you want

You DONT deserve her
You never did

But thank you. You make hatting.... despising you Oh-so-easy
That last straw set everything in place
Showed your true character
I see now... thank you

You've helped her grow
You've helped her mature
Shes stronger now cause of you
So thanks for that asshole
Thats all you were good for

Now take all your shit and go fuckin grow up
Let the consequences of you actions cripple and break you down
Let it sink into your pathetic excuse of a conscience and grow
to twist and bend that shallow heart of yours
REGRET everything
Realize how little your worth and just how much you've lost and jst how blessed you once were.

And i hope it changes you.
I hope you finally meet someone you truly love
and i hope she rips your fucking cold blooded heart out

She cries. You scoff
Your not willing to put effort into what really matters in your life
"Fuk it"
Your gonna go no where in life
Your gonna fail in all that you do
And you deserve no better
I wish you change in ur life
Not for me
Not for her
But for yourself
why?
Because i PITY you
I look down on you and wonder how sad you've turned out to be

May you always remember what you once had

What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around

Unanswered Questions

Its times like this that make me appreciate being "a- sexual"
My friends laugh and joke.
"amina, you need a man"
"so, why dont u have a boyfriend?"
"when you gonna get a guy?"
"why're you holding back?"

Why? Cuz im aware. unintrested. confused. worried. scared. and scarred.
I dont need it.
I dont want it.
Especially after all the heartbreaks i've witnessed lately
As i see it. Right now its not worth it.

So many people i know are heartbroken and crushed right now.
Two very important people to me are broken.
why?
Cuz its not worth it.
I may not have been through a lot of long relationships but ive witnessed so many and learned something from each and every one of them.

I dont want to go through the heartache. I dont want to go through the pain.
I've done my share of crying over a guy. Feeling betrayed. Feeling hurt.
No, i've never been IN love, but i have loved.
Maybe its just my luck with guys that it never works out. At all.. ever
My bestfriend tells me im lucky i've never experienced love before.
Or the hurt that comes with it.
Still... that doesnt make loosing someone u deeply care about any less painful.

Lately i've been talking a lot with my bestfriends. All 3 of them.
So many old memories brought up that i realized so much about myself.
Im scarred. HaH. Who would have thought? Its really left its mark.
My heart hasent been scarred with a rip but with a chain.
A chain that protects it from everything else and keeps it closed.
I never really took a good look at it all before but now i see.
Makes sense... i guess? Finally realizing.
I hate that they.. he...still has that much power over me.
He doesnt deserve it. Why cry and pine over someone who doesnt care?
I must've looked so pathetic.

I knew what it felt like. So i never wanted to hurt someone else because of that.
But i did. And it was my fault. He did nothing wrong. But once again i was running away. " I need to find myself"- yeah it was true. I never lied to you. But at the same time I never told you the whole story. As to why i needed to find myself. Im sorry i hurt you. I tried to atone for it by being by ur side whenever you needed someone to be there. But once again i did nothing but hurt you. I messed up. Im sorry, and i know you try to be nice but your ...for lack of a better word...bitter? I dont blame you. But understand that it was never intentional. In the end you moved on. Your happy. Im happy for you. Im happy for her.

But where did that leave me? No where. Still on square one. Why? Because i was waiting to be accepted. It never happened. Im so stupid.

I fell for it 4 times. I guess underneath it all, all i ever wanted was to be loved- treasured. Because since the very begining all ive ever done was be used by guys. Was it because i was nice? Never skinny enough... never beautiful enough...never funny enough...never outgoing enough...never bold enough. But enough to mess around with... use... laugh at. Fine. You guys had won then. Even now. From all of that i've learned to distrust. Keep my heart closed. And seeing these relationships where the guys abuses... misuses... and selfishly hurts his girlfriend only encourages those feelings of mine.

So thats where im at right now. Not square one. But moved diagonally backwards- headed towards the lonely side of the board. Where none of the other pieces can hurt or destroy me. The safe zone.And im happy.

Its human nature to be selfish. But the selfishness i've witnessed lately disgusts me. And i dont want any part of it.

a "monster"

An old post of mine to an old friend.Thought it was worth sharing.**************************************************************
Thats an intresting comparison you make with being a "monster". [ the deffinition of a M.. 1 a : an animal or plant of abnormal form or structure b : one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character
2 : a threatening force
3 a : an animal of strange or terrifying shape b : one unusually large for its kind
4 : something monstrous; especially : a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness, deformity, wickedness, or crueltyYou call urself a "monster" b/c you feel those certain actions are justifiable to that of a monster. But is that really true? If so, i guess you can say the worlds just that ugly, deformed, cruel and wicked as well. which jst might be true... The fustration of never being able to "measure up" or keep ones words. The self -awareness of knowing that your a dissapointment and at the same time promising again to do somthing that too, eventually wont be done or good enough. Its the same for everyone. For some its a lot more painful and scaring. Society nd Morals make us bleed when we've done wrong or wronged others. The infamous quote " no ones perfect"-- some jst brush it off nd say "yeah yeah..." But think about it nd acknowledge that statement seriously. Its not jst some excuse to make excuses. All it takes is ONE thing-one mistake,one thought, one word, one tear, one smile- to change everything. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom [even more then once or twice or even penetrating the depths] to even begin to see the top. We all become "monsters" in a sense...its one of human natures "hidden" sides.

But how each person deals with this "monster" is up to him or her. Some embrace it- some go into depression nd self loathing, some overcome it. Expression of ones self isint weakness- in fact i see it as exact opposite- those who jst hide all the time are too scared to express themeleves not that theres n e thing wrong with it [ hell im lyk that nd so are a lot of ppl] Ppl worry too much of wut others think. Wut matters most are those who care for u nd are willing to do anything for u nd most importantly are willing to forgive you [ not because they have a right too b/c they have faults of their own but b/c its what u need most]. Be selfish nd embrace those ppl nd let them be the ones you lean ur shoulder on. To be someones gift...I [personally] believe we're all GOD's gifts- lifes a bitch -indeed " a journey full of tears nd grief". But we honestly learn to cherish the better moments."good ppl" nd "bad ppl"- who the hell has the right to judge?- GOD cherishes nd love us "monsters" jst as well.Thats my general view n e way- sorry if i went a little overboard- we all have our 'demons' nd i wanted to share a little of wut i think. But whatever it is ur going through i hope a little of wut i wrote helps, even if a little. Dont be too harsh on urself nd i pray all the best for you.

It has always been yours (FANFICTION by yours truly)

They said he was dying…
They said he asked about me…



I didn't go. I couldn't.


They said it was quick.
They said it was painless.


I couldn't forgive what he had done. He broke not only my heart but my very soul as well. His mother called me. She told me she had something that she thought I should have. I don't want it. She told me I didn't have a choice because it was always mine. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about nor did I care to have whatever it was. The poor woman's heart broke " I know he brought it upon himself. I know he messed up. But he's paid the price for it. Please… please my son gave his life in repentance" Her sobs tore at my shattered heart and I went over. She said nothing as she opened the door and only led me to his room.

As I entered she pointed towards a heavily damaged journal on his bed and told me that it was mine. I turned to look back and question her but she had already left. I sighed and glanced around his room. It felt so empty…so cold… I think… I think for a second I was able to forget everything and just mourn him. My tough façade broke and my face crumbled. I did not cry. My face shed no tears but still mirrored the very image of pain. Huff … Huff… the only sound was coming from my mouth as I gasped for air. I was beginning to think I was about to lose my mind. Then I remembered. I looked at the journal and walked towards the bed.

I picked up the abused book and stared at the cover. For some reason I had a strong sense of foreboding… that if I were to open this book… I would never be able to go back. I flipped open the book and there was nothing… confused I began to flip through the pages. Nothing… Is this some kind of joke? Was his mother trying to get back at me? …..This is what belonged to me huh? Nothing… Okay I got it. It stung. Even in death he seeks only to hurt me. I could feel my anger rise and furious- I threw the book against the wall shattering its spine.

A paper fell out. An old…misused… crumpled…dirty…ripped…ink soaked paper. I go over to pick it up. It was addressed to me… reading it over once…twice…and a couple of dozen times over and over again. My breathing starts to go irregular again. I drop the paper… my fingers…. My body… all gone slack… I drop to the floor. I began to choke as my vision blurs through the slits in my eyes. I choke… my sobs trying to get out but my lungs suddenly refuse to work. Oh god…. Tears cascade down my face and I hear screaming. The screaming wont stop. Dammit!… I desperately clutch at my head to stop the pain. Only then I realize its me whose screaming. His mother comes in and just embraces my broken form. She's silently crying with me. In her arms I happen to glance over at the paper and see those three words again…only those 3 crucial words…written in such pain...such emotion...such earnestness and... nothing else mattered…. A new wave of heart wrenching pain engulfs me….I'm sorry… I'm sorry… oh god I'm so sorry! Please… I choke on every word… please… I sob… I'm so sorry. She had said that it had always belonged to me...

And the tears just wont stop.

defiant child

I think imma good girl....never been a rebel - sure i like to have fun but i've never crossed my limits- i know wen to stop. Compared to some of my other friends and a lot of other ppl i've seen i'd say im pretty damn innocent and goody goody. hmph

im almost ALWAYS home... i always tell my parents wen im going out (even though i dont always tell them the truth as to WHERE...i still tell them im going out and when i'll be back)

i have a pretty good relationship with my parents and usually tell my mom almost everything going on in my life

i pick up wen they call... always tell them who im with.

i do all my homework... get good grades... study instead of going out

so why then do they not trust me?

they [my parents] know im smart (most of the time lol) in my decisions and that im responsible.. at least i think... hope they do. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me and how mature she thinks i am. My father only cares that i study and work hard.

so where do all these accusations come from? All so suddenly too. I havent done anything to abuse their trust thus far.

mom im going to the library to study
"Hmm are you sure? Is that really where your going?"
yeah... why wouldnt i be? =/
"I dont know. You tell me"

mom im gonna sleep over to the dorms tonight so nirali can help me on my math assignments- daddy already said its cool
"...i hope ur doing the right thing, dont dissapoint me"
wut are u talking about im really jst studying...
" jst know what ur doing"

then i come home and she realizes i've done nothing yet she says nothing to me like "yeah i thought so- u better have not done anything"

thats fine that shes worried but to act all accusatory towards me without a reason- makes me mad

Like i understand parents exaggerate situations and always look for the worst and in college ppl party and go out all the time. But im sure those of you who know me KNOW im not a party party all the time kinda girl. I take college seriously and if i have to study for something i'll get it done. My mom knows what kinda girl i am and how im more of an independent chill in my room chillaxin by myself kinda person.

Yeah, she's always gonna be worried but i dont understand where all this mistrust is comming from. It pisses me off cuz i dont think i deserve it and it makes me want to go out - "you think thats how i am then fine i'll do jst that" - "if ur going to mistrust me anyway why bother continuing trying to keep ur trust?"

but that way of thinking is so childish- yet oh-so-tempting.
And im mature enough not to give in

still though... im only human. keep pushing me... keep pushing me and they will NOT like the results

amina's already got enough crazy ideas and impulses going through her head she does not need any encouragement

hitting that low

So im officially sad and about to cry.
Ever since my spring break ended i have been having THEE worst luck possible... i swear im cursed or something. Last monday, which was the first day back to school... i happen to hit a car in the parking lot -___-
then tuesday...i hit my neighbors car....
insurance went up and my mother was pisssseeeeedddd
Like WTF is wrong with me!? =(

now i guess im all paranoid and cant seem to park for shit n e more >_> <_<
UGH

Also, im tryna get a job and conveniently NO ONE is hiring
all the jobs i've applied to dont have room for me or their hours are not working with my college classes. *sigh*

There is CVS i guess but... my friend wants to quit that so im guessing its not the best place to work >_<

Classes arent going that great either... my calc class is becoming more and more confusing and i have never once made it on time to class... Psyc is going wayy tooo fast to keep up with and my phil class is jst BLAH

Then this morning while i was going to pick my cuz up from his house i happen to pass a stopped school bus -______________________-
yeah dont ask.
i know i fucked up.
so anyways the bus driver decides to follow me to my cuz house and block me in the drive way. so i figure hes writting down my lisence plate number but my cuz comes out and says the driver didnt write down any number but was jst looking at him or me so he could yell at me. "IMMA REPORT YOU!! IMMA REPORT YOU! YOUR GONNA BE REPORTED!! blah blah"

looking up the MD law for this - if he does indeed report me - i have 3 points and a fine of $500 >_>

*cries* im honestly praying right now that he DOES NOT report me or was too angry to even think about memorizing my number or w/e. I dont even have a job to pay it off either NOR can i find one! >=(

CVS here i come?

dammit, why me? why why why why
my parents are gonna KILL ME.

FUK.

Playing with fire

They say that those who play with fire get burnt
And im playing a very tricky game with it
Taunting and prevoking
Im not stupid....well maybe i am, heh
No idea why i keep messing with something thats gonna hurt me
Maybe i like the feel of being dangerous
So close yet so far
Flicking the flames but never touching them
Fingers graze the warmth
Makes me ache to touch the flame
But at least that part of me knows better
"You can look but you cant touch"
Specially the blue flames... not those...
Bask in the smoke of the red flames if u must
Better to cough and hack
Then to burn and die
And yet i still play with the fire
Not hurt yet, but i know
Very soon
If I dont watch what im doing
Im going to get burnt

I only dream when im awake

"If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again." by Mary Beth Danielson

Ever since i can remember, i've always been told to "dream big"
Daddy said to grow up and make lots of money so i can be rich
Mommy said to grow up and become a doctor with all the nice titles

When i was smaller i had always wanted to become a teacher, just so i could do what they did in class... walk around talking, color on the overhead, eat in class, drink coffee or soda, not do homework, or have to take tests.... thats what i thought anyway.

Got a little older and realised how important having money was. Decided then that i wanted to be a doctor. Like the game operation - it seemed easy and fun. Plus hey look, i will make mad $$. What could be better?

Mommy said be a doctor
Daddy said be a doctor

With that dream i went through middle school....high school...college

"So what do you want to be when you grow up?"
A doctor
cause mommy said to... daddy too...

And i honestly thought thats what i had wanted too. But slowly over time i realised its not that easy. Such a simple thought but really... its ...not...that...simple....at all.
Becoming a doctor has to be one of THEE hardest career paths. I didnt give up my dream to be a doctor just because it was too difficult - thats no excuse, or maybe it was for me? Trying to become a doctor while not even really caring to be one is not good enough. Only money on my mind.

It was simply because i finally woke up from that dream of ignorance. Not evey one can be a doctor. They say as long as you try your hardest you can do anything. Nice. Sorry im tired of dreaming while asleep. I only dream when im awake now.

Not everyone can be a great doctor. You have to have a passion... a talent...a gift for it. All of which i lack. Saving people is a wonderful gift. But its not where my talents...passion...gifts lie. Im no biochemist, pre-med major. Im no good in biology, chemistry, math, physics...all of which is needed to be mastered in order to become a doctor. Im average in them. And average gets you no where. Especially in such a competitive field.

I have no big dreams anymore. I dont know what i want. It hit me senior year but college has really shown me that i have no idea what i want for myself. Right now im focusing on psychology and seeing where that takes me. I want a dream i have passion for. Psych somewhat brings that out...somewhat...

My parents dont approve but i need to do something for myself... its my life. Im sorry i cannot make them proud as a doctor but i needa make myself happy/proud before i do anyone else. I look at my other peers and see their passion for what they do... want to become. Its inspiring and dishartening at the same time. Their achievements while it makes me happy, also makes me see how little i've done... how far i am.... how lost i am. They say college is where u figure that out but... i dont have the $$ to be taking all these classes figuring out what i want.

Honestly, the only dream i have right now is to be happy. Is that not good enough though?... now-a-days no one ever focuses on things like that... the answer is always a career path of some sort.... i cant major in "being happy" nor will "being happy" earn me a salary but i think thats something essential in living a good life. No one ever seems to really be happy anymore n e way. Everyones just content. Being just content isnt good enough for me. But if that dream isnt good enough i'll just make it my goal instead.

my dream? well thats just gonna have to be left undecided then

**thanks to jhovi [[turtle-kun]] for the inspiration**

random 16

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with
16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose
16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I
tagged you, its because I want to know more about you.



[[ Not tagging cuz im only doing this cuz im bored - eff the rules, amina makes her own lol ]]



1. imma dork...i try to be classy nd sophisticated but in the end im jst a big big DORK.. and i easily confuse myself...



2. I'm a loner who loves company



3. I love love foreign drama (ex. Hana Yori Dango, K3G, etc.), sometimes they make me cry lol



4. I'm very allergic to the only pets i have (2 cats) its kinda sad...



5. I've never had a nose bleed in my life..



6. I'm a HARD CORE horror nd gore movie fan - gimmie action, horror and gore over a chick flick any day



7. In general im drawn to ppl with a sense of humor, specially the witty sarcastic ones - gatta love sarcasm



8. when i make plans or have plans ready the whole day or for a while i get P O'ed when its falls through



9. I forgive but i dont forget - yeah i carry grudges



10. A geek at heart- i love anime/ manga and video games (see me in RUSH!)



11. i have 10 pillows on my bed cuz i have to be comfy when i sleep =p



12. BIG on family - u mess with tht nd ur cut off =)



13. Impulsive... very VERY impulsive



14. i can be too empathetic sometimes



15. ppl think im girly but im really not... lol i cant do any "girly"
things at all... ask the BFFs... and being around girly girls for too
long aggravates me



16. I smile all the time but i actually get annoyed really easily - my real feelings r rarely shown on the surface



17. Jst cuz i can... cuz the only boss of amina is.. amina =D

im just an insomniac drugged up on nyquil

And so because of my insane nd retarded sleep schedule i find myself
here on facebook writing this note. Because hey... i'm not gonna sleep
till 5am n e way... wake up at 3pm as usual...



...wait...



...damn.. going out tomorrow... "early" 12:00pm. ::sigh:: yet i cant
find myself to sleep any earlier... why is that? not like i have
anything to do up so late...early, whichever.



stupid insomnia ::shakes fist::



so anyways...



1. Been waiting two weeks to go skiing. Plans got canceled the day
before planned day to go. GUH. i hate last minute changes when i'm
really looking forward to doing something ::pout pout::



but its okay. I have an awesome best friend who created "AMINA day" just to take me out and cheer me up. i love you.



2. Facebook tells me "okay" is not a word. Apparently "Tokay" is the correct term for...whatever it means. i'm so confused.



3. I'm starting to realize that chatting online has dumbed down my
writing and grammar skills. I cant speel anymore and i write in
fragments



4. With the economy uhh... dying, lots of friends are in need of a job.
Yes i work at a Christian store. No i cannot just hand you a job. I'm
merely a sales associate whose opinion the higher ups couldn't care
less about lol sad but true. So sure, i'll hand you an application...
sure, i'll turn it in... sure, i'll wish you luck. But thats about it.
Sorry. My job sucks in pay anyway... u wouldn't want to work there.



5. Chipotle, my love, my life. I needa stop going to you for a while...
well for many reasons ::pokes belly:: ahem... well mainly b/c one
worker [[whom i don't know]] seems to know me...."so?"... well you see
the only reason he knows me is b/c ..."Hey, you work at
staples?"...."no"..."Oh, cause i see you all the time ::hints at my
blue uniform shirt:: wearing that so i figured....(trails off)"



why does this bother me? i have no idea. I just feel that if a random
worker recognizes me as a usual then that means i'm going there too
much lol... self conscious? possibly.. but thats just how i feel right
now. This may change tomorrow haha.



6. This past winter break has really let me see which people matter the most to me.



7. " I built up a wall, not to block others out, but to see who would
care enough to break it down" - I think i've unconsciously done just
that. And sadly enough i've watched very few people do the latter. Why
is everyone abandoning me? But at the same time, I was not disappointed
by certain people.



Thank you.



8. I quote bumper stickers.



9. I've decided to give up. I'm letting you go... but as long as you want me around, I'll be here.



10. Hmm... "sacrifices aren't meant for the selfish"... just popped
into my mind. My quote or someone else's? Either way theres a lot of
truth in that.



11. I Have a growing obsession with my ps2... but i really really want a ps3 (Final Fantasy XIII Versus calls out to me)



12. Next week is going to be pretty exciting for me =)



12. It's 4:15am and im hungry...



(wait #12 again??...::shurg:: ok sure)



sleepy? nah, not yet...



but sleep will come in time...



i guess...


... man i'm hungry....

who said life didn't have a wicked sense of humor?

Irony 1: Last note i wrote about my issue with insomnia and here i am
tonight, honestly ready to fall asleep ::yawn::....::blink blink::



I don't know why it is i feel compelled to write another note, specially after todays long day... hmm.



guess i just have a lot to say.



1. Sad to say, before today i had never stepped foot into any China
town... to be honest i was greatly disappointed =( Washington DC's
China town sucks. Besides the massive amounts of restaurants available
there wasn't much else that i saw... but then again it was very VERY
very cold. Too cold to wander and prove myself wrong.



2. I have little to no sense of direction it seems. I cant read maps
either. My plan of backpacking upon the metro one day was thwarted by
todays trip. I would be so lost that i probably wouldn't make it home
ever again haha. So thanks Dannerz for being our guide today. Without
you Ninnerz and i would have been LOST. Yeah, gloat gloat.



3. Yeah. So. Dinner today was at Chipotle. (refer to my last note)



4. I find myself being very happy for one of my besties. I'm glad she
found someone who makes her happy, who makes her smile, who encourages
her to better herself, only for herself.



If i could give someone that kind of happiness, i would not hesitate to
give that blessing to you. You, of all the people i know, deserve it
the most. As they say, "only people who have known true sorrow can
fully appreciate true happiness".



Love you.



5. Nina threatens to eat my cats if i don't wake up on time in the mornings. I believe her. Shes asian.



6. I've come to the realization that i cant take compliments the way i
want to. I usually blush and stutter as i brightly squeak a "thank you"
::cheese:: ::cheese::



i wish i could be... more witty... suave...cool lol.



6. Be proud of who you are. Your real friends will stick by you. "Dont settle for less when you can have the best".



7. Ran into my ex at the mall today. NOT COOL. So very awkward,
surprised - i trailed off while talking to Nina on the escalator lol.



8. Rush hour on the metro is hell.

Sardines i tell you! Sardines!



9. I hate guys who call out to girls at the mall.... -___-

Todays example @ Wheaton::

"Hey!...Hey!.... Hey Chinese bitch!".... FUCK YOU!



10. People make a lot of decisions that later turn into regrets. I find
myself having one too many of those. But what can i do? Cant change the
past. Only better the future.



11. When its freezing outside dont stick your hand into a cold water fountain. It Burns later... wind and all...



12. Art is beautiful.



13. Free willy is evil. You evil..evil..whale...



14. The only thing that gets me going in the morning is my wonderful
stock of Mocha Starbucks Frappuccino... I'm so addicted to it that i
drank a few bottles that were "best by oct.2008" last week... cause i
ran out. What was i to do?...You understand.



Irony 2: At the beginning of this note i was ready to fall asleep... now i'm wide awake... -___-

ten thousand lifetimes together

1. i love my best friends. They're my life. Without them my life would suck.



2. Some people like to blame themselves for things that aren't their
fault. Its just in their nature to take the blame for others and feel
that what happened, happened because they did not do everything in
their power to prevent it from happening. What are you? superman? god?
Stop putting everything on your shoulders and carrying burdens that
don't even belong to you. Theres nothing you could have done. You cant
tell the future nor can you control it. Things happen for a reason. You
just have to be strong about it and deal with the consequences and move
on. Because hey, "Life sucks and then you die"



Just be that loving parent, sister, brother, significant other, friend, stranger, whomever you can.



3. Forgive others...



For who are we to deny someone else forgiveness for trespasses we ourselves make on a daily basis.

The Lord our God forgives us for every little white lie... and every little black sin...

A perfect and loving God showering divine grace upon an imperfect and sinning race.



4. Stephanie once asked me for "one thing that you think the world needs" [[or something to that affect]].........



"Compassion"



5. I've gotten into the habit of drinking water regularly now, cause
believe it or not, being dehydrated is not a hobby of mine. Contrary to
popular belief...I in fact, do not enjoy it =p.



6. Emotions are weird. They confuse me. And as someone once said "they suck"



I was a little... conflicted about an... issue. But i think i'm finally coming to terms with it.

Better late then never right? The reaction was just a little slow ::chuckles::

Those few months were the best.. the memories will always be cherished.

Sometimes the irony in life really kills me, but i like a challenge.
And even still, i would not have changed my decision. Your okay. And i
think i can say i am too. now.



Thank you for everything.



7. With last semesters grades bumping up my GPA (yay) i find myself
more ambitious then ever about my college career. I have something i
want out of life and i plan to attain it. SP2009 here i come!



8. An annoying nervous habit of mine is to laugh... a lot... so if im
ever in your presence and i seem to be laughing a lot.. obnoxiously...
and awkwardly.. you now know why haha.



9. Pho after periods of withdrawal is... orgasmic ::laughs::



10. I used to make fun of my cuzzo cause he would drive around all the
time, just for fun. "It's such a waste of gas and time... what do u
honestly get out of that?"... he gave me an answer but i don't think i
could fully appreciate it until i took up the habit myself...



the freedom and relaxation from a late night drive downtown... blasting music... windows down.. its really great...



when im angry or upset.. i drive

when im bored and anxious i drive

when the weathers good and im blissful i drive

when i need comfort and time i drive

when i need solitude and time away i drive

when i want to finally feel like im in control of something i drive

whenever the hell i want.. i just drive...

I eat pears and bananas for breakfast

SP2009 has officially started since last week. And... school sucks. ::laughs::

I have assuredly brought on the socy and psyc classes this time around
and im paying for it with all the wonderful amounts of reading required
of all the classes. yay amina!



1. Psyc 307 has me appreciating the old folks more. Some of the fine points made in several articles i read were as such:

(1) Sometimes we unconsciously avoid old people simply because we are
reminded of death and aging, which we seek to avoid. "Sick people,
hospitals, and funerals destroy our illusions of invulnerability. They
force us to think of the future... If we aren't around dying people, we
don't have to think about dying". We also avoid the old and sick in
order to spare ourselves of the pain of seeing them so and then loosing
them.



(2) Culture and media impress upon us the very idea that being old is a
bad thing. For example to compliment a friend we haven't seen in a
while we are more inclined to say " you haven't aged a day!" as opposed
to "you look older". We view the old as useless and a burden.



(3) Americas obsession with independence ... "We provide almost no
graceful way for adults to ask for help, we make it almost impossible
to be dependent yet dignified, respected and in control... They dont
want to be a burden, the greatest of American crimes. In fact, the
greatest challenge for many elders is learning to accept vulnerability
ad to ask for help". Its up to the younger generation to help the older
folks realize that there are people willing to provide help that comes
from respect and gratitude as opposed to pity or hesitant obligations.



2. The weather is... confused. Its hot. cold. warm. snow. rain. warm. snow.

And as a result i find myself ill... ::sad face:: oh and im dehydrated... again ::smile::



3. My sleep schedule seems to be somewhat back on track. In bed by
midnight and up at dawn lol ahhh gatta love those morning classes with
quizzes first thing. So DON'T BE LATE.



4. While shifting positions to get more comfortable i happen to head
butt my cousins ELBOW. No, no visible bruise... yet. But it did hurt.
alot. lol ::presses forehead:: tender... ow... >_<



5. It has taken me since 8:30am this morning till now 11 pm to finish ONE glass of water =D



6. Twilights sequel New Moon wants to add celebs like Vanessa Hudgens
from High school musical and Dakota Fanning and amina says NO. DON'T DO
IT! Honestly... the movie sucks enough, there is no need for celebs to
make it worse. Stick to unknows pleaseee. PLEASSEEE.



7. February already? WHERE THE HELL IS TIME GOING!?



8. Seriously. If your going to ask for forgiveness after royally effing
up a relationship ::cough-cheating-cough:: what makes you think doing
it again would be a good idea!?... seriously?...SERIOUSLY!?



9. Brian and I entertained the idea of moving out and away from the
pressures of family at home. I concluded that i would be seen years
later with a beautiful and loyal husky, pierced nose and eyebrow as
well as a head full of red hair ::chuckles:: ... oh and as for the
important things... hopefully achieving my goals as a psychologist with
a PHD.



10. Ideally... IDEALLY wanted to be married by 23/24 =p but now
thinking back on it. Thats way too early. Im hitting 20 this year. I
think i need more then 3 or 4 years to be ready for that kind of
commitment. So 26/27 ::thumbs up:: Even then im not sure, but i know i
want to be married young... then again... emotionally im very
independent so i may be well into my thirties realistically speaking.



11. I saw a clip off of Wale's website (chk his profile for the link)
and saw this video of this child slapping and yelling at his mother to
"shut up". YEA NO. My parents woulda beat me to an inch of my life the
moment i even raised my voice at them. The kid was about 12 i think?
Noooo buddy. Thats not how my family plays. Respect. Honor. Discipline.
You DO NOT tell your parents to "shut up" and you DO NOT even THINK
about slapping them... or even raising your hand against them.



As Russell Peters once said "[[ to American parents]] you needa beat your children"



12. GWST 322 taught me the evils of Disney movies. Apparently they are
full of gender stereotypes, racism and sexism. "Disney hides behind the
innocence" This is some of what the filmed said:



- all the women are portrayed as extremely beautiful, thin, seductive, and well equipped for home ec.

- men are aggressive, heroic, charming and brave - must be the heros no
matter what - even the strong character of the female of mulan was
saved by the general

- women are helpless and need to be saved

- women use their body to manipulate men (examples- little mermaid and aladdin (when jasmine seduced jafar)

- The only Latinos in disney are chihuahuas

- Tarzan was in Africa yet there were no Africans only monkeys (implied) Thus white supremacy through tarzan "the white guy"

- Mulan is sexist - women are only good for marriage - the quote " your
daughter should learn how to speak in the presence of men"

- Aladdins opening song is racist

- Native American stereotypes of how they dress in big feather hats, live in teepees, hit their mouth and yell

- beauty and the beast teaches to forgive abuse



13. Finally saw the preview for the Street Fighter movie: The Legend of
Chun Li. I thought it looked terrible lls. But i grew up loving street
fighter... seen all the movies live action and animated. Watched all
the animated series... owned a few. Played all the games (even though i
was owned at each one of them) So yea. I think i will see it.



my only problem is... Where is the blue suit!?