Its times like this that make me appreciate being "a- sexual"
My friends laugh and joke.
"amina, you need a man"
"so, why dont u have a boyfriend?"
"when you gonna get a guy?"
"why're you holding back?"
Why? Cuz im aware. unintrested. confused. worried. scared. and scarred.
I dont need it.
I dont want it.
Especially after all the heartbreaks i've witnessed lately
As i see it. Right now its not worth it.
So many people i know are heartbroken and crushed right now.
Two very important people to me are broken.
why?
Cuz its not worth it.
I may not have been through a lot of long relationships but ive witnessed so many and learned something from each and every one of them.
I dont want to go through the heartache. I dont want to go through the pain.
I've done my share of crying over a guy. Feeling betrayed. Feeling hurt.
No, i've never been IN love, but i have loved.
Maybe its just my luck with guys that it never works out. At all.. ever
My bestfriend tells me im lucky i've never experienced love before.
Or the hurt that comes with it.
Still... that doesnt make loosing someone u deeply care about any less painful.
Lately i've been talking a lot with my bestfriends. All 3 of them.
So many old memories brought up that i realized so much about myself.
Im scarred. HaH. Who would have thought? Its really left its mark.
My heart hasent been scarred with a rip but with a chain.
A chain that protects it from everything else and keeps it closed.
I never really took a good look at it all before but now i see.
Makes sense... i guess? Finally realizing.
I hate that they.. he...still has that much power over me.
He doesnt deserve it. Why cry and pine over someone who doesnt care?
I must've looked so pathetic.
I knew what it felt like. So i never wanted to hurt someone else because of that.
But i did. And it was my fault. He did nothing wrong. But once again i was running away. " I need to find myself"- yeah it was true. I never lied to you. But at the same time I never told you the whole story. As to why i needed to find myself. Im sorry i hurt you. I tried to atone for it by being by ur side whenever you needed someone to be there. But once again i did nothing but hurt you. I messed up. Im sorry, and i know you try to be nice but your ...for lack of a better word...bitter? I dont blame you. But understand that it was never intentional. In the end you moved on. Your happy. Im happy for you. Im happy for her.
But where did that leave me? No where. Still on square one. Why? Because i was waiting to be accepted. It never happened. Im so stupid.
I fell for it 4 times. I guess underneath it all, all i ever wanted was to be loved- treasured. Because since the very begining all ive ever done was be used by guys. Was it because i was nice? Never skinny enough... never beautiful enough...never funny enough...never outgoing enough...never bold enough. But enough to mess around with... use... laugh at. Fine. You guys had won then. Even now. From all of that i've learned to distrust. Keep my heart closed. And seeing these relationships where the guys abuses... misuses... and selfishly hurts his girlfriend only encourages those feelings of mine.
So thats where im at right now. Not square one. But moved diagonally backwards- headed towards the lonely side of the board. Where none of the other pieces can hurt or destroy me. The safe zone.And im happy.
Its human nature to be selfish. But the selfishness i've witnessed lately disgusts me. And i dont want any part of it.
